Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians

Here is something that I’ve wanted to post for some time.  This list was a gift of a colleague many years ago, originally printed in the Flatpicking and Madolin Catalog (not sure which company).

1. Diminished Fifth — An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
2. Perfect Fifth — A full bottle of Jack Daniels
3. Ritard — There’s one in every family
4. Relative Major — an uncle in the Marine Corps
5. Relative Minor — A girlfriend
6. Big Band — When the par pays enough to bring two banjo players
7. Pianissimo — “Refill this beer bottle”
8. Repeat — What you do until they just expel you
9. Treble — Woman ain’t nothin’ but…
10. Bass — The things you run around in softball
11. Portamento — A foreign country you’ve always wanted to see
12. Conductor — The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
13. Arpeggio — “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”
14. Tempo — Good choice for a used car!
15. A 440 — The highway that runs around Nashville
16. Transpositions — Men who wear dresses
17. Cut Time — Parole!
18. Order of Sharps — What a wimp gets at the bar
19. Passing Tone — Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
20. Middle C — The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
21. Perfect Pitch — The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
22. Tuba — A compound word:  “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”
23. Cadenza — The ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
24. Whole Note — What’s due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
25. Clef — What you try never to fall off of
26. Bass Clef — Where you wind up if you do fall off
27. Altos — Not to be confused with “Tomes toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori’s toes”
28. Minor Third — Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
29. Melodic Minor — Loretta Lynn’s singing dad
30. 12-Tone Scale — The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
31. Quarter Tone — What most standard pickups can haul
32. Sonata — What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
33. Clarinet — Name used on your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo
34. Cello — The proper way to answer the phone
35. Bassoon — Typical response when asked what you hope to catch and when
36. French Horn — Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
37. Cymbal — They use at deer-crossing signs so you know what yo sight-in your pistol with
38. Bossa Nova — The car your foreman drives
39. Time Signature — What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
40. First Inversion — Granpa’s battle group in Normandy
41. Staccato – How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
42. Major Scale – What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain “Darn! That was a major scale!”
43. Aeolian Mode — How you like Mama’s apple pie
44. Bach Chorale — The place behind the barn where you keep the horses